Friday, May 9, 2014

A Homophobic Star is exposed!

With Mother's Day coming up so fast, I'm finding myself feeling more emotional than I ever anticipated. My mother and I just don't talk anymore. I can't really explain why because I don't really know why my mother doesn't call me. I can say that I remember our last conversation quite vividly. I remember crying, and telling her how much I love her. And yet, I had the distinct impression that my mother's mind was occupied with something, anything, other than me, and my emotions. She's heard it all before.We both know there's so much water under our bridge, and that it's flooded the valleys and made getting home an impossible task for me. My home is here, where I live in Northern Illinois with my husband and our sons. And yet, from time to time, I miss my mommy and her big, warm hugs. I feel the loss of parental love as strongly as I give parental love to my own sons. It's an odd combination, but my love for my kids is the kind of love I deserve and always have. I'm a good son. I never stopped loving my mother, and I have forgiven her for everything she's ever done to hurt me.

Over the years I did everything I could to get back home. No matter where I was living, Chicago, Miami, New York, or LA, I would beg, steal, borrow and screw my way back home to my "family". That's how much I missed my brothers and sisters, nephews, nieces and my mom. But in the last twenty two years of living with my husband, watching our boys grow into intelligent, young men, I've learned what family really is. I've lost the two closest biological family members, tragically and far before their time. A big brother isn't supposed to live longer than his little brother. A favorite uncle should never outlive his favorite nephew. And yet, the best friends I ever had, who knew me better than anyone else in the world, who grew up knowing me their entire lives, are gone. And all I have left are the memories and the hope of reuniting with them in another realm, an afterlife. At age sixteen, my nephew attempted suicide. I used all my savings from stripping at a gay bar to put gas in my beat up 1978 Thunderbird, and had to stop ever hour to refill the power steering fluid, but I made the six hour trip to see him in the hospital. He never forgot that. I showed him what family means when I showed up that night. He would spend the rest of his life returning that gift to me. I can honestly say that I have not ever had an argument with my nephew Brian. And while I can reluctantly admit that my husband and I both forgot our 7th anniversary, I never, ever forgot Brian's birthday. It was yesterday, May 8th. He would have been 38 years old. Losing him has had a profound effect on me and how I view the world and people who claim to love me. I know what real, biological, family love is. I had it and now it's gone, but there's a ray of light at the end of this dark tunnel I've seemingly found myself in. Her name is Jamie, and she's Brian's little sister. Jamie and I have been getting closer for a few years now, but we are much closer now that we share the pain of losing Brian. I have had to do some incredibly hard things in my life. I've held my elderly cat and a few dogs in my arms and watched them draw their last breath, as the vet gave them a lethal injection to end their pain and suffering. The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was to be the one to tell Jamie that her brother had died. I will never be able to escape that memory.

The Funeral

I lost my hotel room deposit when I cancelled my reservation at the last minute. How could I attend Brian's funeral with the swarm of hate that started raining down on me before I could even pack my bag? I had posted on facebook that I supported Brian's wife Diana in all of her decisions, with regards to his funeral arrangements and final resting place. This outraged some of my siblings, especially Brian's mother Starliene, my sister. Star wanted to have Brian's body transported to Shelbyville, KY to be put on display for the public. Brian hated Shelbyville. He had way too many enemies there. I suggested that anyone who didn't think he was worth the drive in death, probably never drove to see him in life, so stay home because he knew how you felt about him. That brought me some unexpected backlash from a brother in law, who called, out of the blue, to insist that if I show up at the funeral I should be willing to hug my sister Star. Why in the hell would I want to console her? Her last words to Brian were so harsh that he called me two weeks before he died, literally sobbing. "My own mother said that 'm her biggest mistake in life and that I am dead to her". He said. Now, suddenly, Star wants to snatch his body from his wife, have it delivered to her desired location, like a pizza, and put on display, so that she can put on her Oscar winning acting performance and put out her "woe is me, donate money to my addiction" monologue. My brother in law was offended and started taking personal jabs at me. "Do you still bite your hand when you get angry?" he said. As a child I learned to bite myself whenever I wanted to hit my little brother. It's a running joke in our family. It reminded me of all the other running jokes in our family, and so I asked him if he got a job, learned to read or stopped pissing on my sister in the bed on occasion. He didn't like that very much. I doubt I'll ever see or hear from him again. And you know what, that's just fine with me. I'll take one real love over a million fake ones any day. But I wasn't going to Brian's funeral and allowing my presence to distract from the celebration of his life that took place that day. I'm not going to second guess the decision either. I did the right thing, although it was a sacrifice, it was made in his honor. He wasn't in that casket. His spirit is free, and he will always live on in my heart. I would trade places with him or my little brother who died, if I could. Life without them will never be the same for me.


People read my posts on facebook and think I'm crazy. How can I express such deep sorrow and loss, while simultaneously expressing such disgust and contempt for my sister Star? The answer is simple. I'm a multifaceted, three dimensional person, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. You may argue that it's not normal for siblings to harbor such feelings of deep seeded hate. That's assuming you know what "normal" is and can define it for the rest of us. Forgiveness must be earned. I can say I forgive Star for letting Brian take the rap on that robbery she involved him in, and allowing him to do hard time. I can say I forgive her for going to his ex wife's attorney and falsely accusing him of horrible acts he never even thought about committing, just to receive joy in his pain of being separated from his only son. But saying it means nothing if I can't show it, and I will never be able to allow her to get within a hundred feet of me, much less express any love to her. She probably doesn't know that I'm aware of all the lies she was telling over the continental breakfast, at the hotel, the morning of the funeral. There she was, stuffing her face with biscuits and gravy, slandering me and her own son, who lay in a casket for her final viewing pleasure. When most mothers would be grieving beyond ability to speak, she was running around telling people that Brian was a prostitute and I was his pimp, and that I raped him. Not a word of any of that is true at all. I have never harmed a child in my life and neither did Brian. I have never pimped anybody out in my life, and Brian was completely heterosexual, as his loving wife can testify. So no! I can't forgive Starliene for any of these things. But don't allow yourself to feel sorry for me. I'm not carrying her hate around with me. I have an incredible life. The love my husband and kids give me makes up for all the love I never really had in my biological family. After hearing about the lies she told then, and continues to spread now, I can only laugh at my sister Star now. She's an absolute joke. I've heard that she's still taking up donations to pay for Brian's funeral. His funeral was paid for before he died. He had a life insurance policy. Anyone who gives her a cent is a fool. As for me, well I don't entertain thoughts of her often, but when I do, I don't get all worked up or angry. Like Glenda, the good witch said to the wicked witch of the West. "You have no power here! Be gone before somebody drops a house on you too!" Nobody ever suggested that Glenda had no right to put that witch in her place. 

And so, as I promised my friends on facebook, here's the recording of my sister Star, calling me, at home, saying horrific things about me and my nephew, days after his death. Tell me, is this the voice of a grieving mother? Does this sound like someone who just lost her only son, or an evil bitch who made her only son's life miserable? I think her own words speak volumes about the kind of person she is. She was recently investigated for child abuse after putting her 17 year old granddaughters head through a wall. The woman is a nut! She's also stupid enough to knowingly leave a recorded voice message that she can't take back. I own this recording. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Sharing is caring, so share my shit!

It's been a very busy week around my home. I've been recording, editing and producing my new web series "Chaz On" for youtube. I think I will be posting two videos a week, on average, as long as I don't run out of topics to cover or people to listen.

The shows are getting better and I'm getting paid by youtube!

If you watch this week's episodes, note the sound quality improvement. This is due to my new microphone. I finally invested $99 and got myself a great mic for all my audio recording needs. It's called the Nessie and its worth every penny. I've also invested in some new Sony Vegas video editing software to give me the best tools I know how to use for video editing, creation and special effects. I opted to get the $79 version of Vegas software, instead of Vegas Pro, which is upwards of $599. I'm not crazy and this is a hobby. I don't expect to make any profit from my new yotube partnership status at all. Only one of my videos could be considered remotely "viral", and it's How to broil a lobster tail. I've neglected my youtube account for too many years to expect to rekindle my fan base from 2010, when I was getting the most views and ended up being kicked off of youtube and censored. Those days are gone and I can forgive Google, as long as they're willing to split the profits my media generates for them, with me. But this partner thing isn't what people think it is. It's actually real work if anyone really wants to expand their audience online, and so I've been doing my research on how to get my videos ranked in google and youtube and how to get the most views for your videos. Believe it or not, the secret is simple. It's all in the key words and descriptions and titles of the videos themselves. People are looking for my videos. I just had to tweek my key words "tags" and descriptions and titles to get Google to place my videos in front of the people searching for them. I've always had a knack for creative writing. This is like getting spelling words and turning them all into a story. It's basically the secret to how my lobster tail video got 150,000 views. If you google How to broil lobster tail my video is number 3 in the search. That's the first page, of tens of thousands of pages related to the subject. Why me? It's all in the words. I have a reason to have my videos viewed as much as possible now. But the money is not much at all. In fact, it's been about a week since I accepted the youtube partnership offer and I've earned a whopping $2.23 LOL! So trust me folks, this ain't no get rich quick scheme. It's a process, and one that comes with goals that must be set and achieved, like anything else. Anyone who follows me knows that I have only one goal, in all of my online endeavors, and that is equality for all. It's priceless and yet it's free. That's what motivates me.

Chaz On is a 5 minute or less opinion segment. It's like Naked Truth Gay News In Review, one scene at a time. It's geared toward the ADHD audience of today who don't have time to watch a full, twenty minute newscast. My first goal for the show is to simply cover a topic that isn't LGBT related. I've done four episodes so far and they're all about gays adopting, hating on each other and bisexuals and trannies etc. You should hear what I think about the GOP and the religious right wing, illegal immigration, corporate slavery and conspiracy theorists. And you will, soon, because my motor mouth won't shut up! But I'm not going to lie. I wouldn't be blogging right now if it wasn't for the LGBT followers who have stayed with me for years, following me as I jumped from FM radio, to Radio Gay International Nework, to youtube, then to Blip tv and now back to youtube again. God knows this blog is one of the best places to receive updates from me, as it's been here the longest, and I love posting here whenever I can. And I have powers of perception called analytic data, which I receive from Google, that tells me a lot about who is reading my blog and watching my videos. My audience fluctuates slightly, but it averages 50% male and 50% female. Most of you are between the ages of 25 and 55. You actually watch my videos to the end, mostly. Armed with this knowledge, and an understanding of why my most popular videos are being noticed, I'm prepared to give you more of what it is you're expecting from me, but kick it up to a whole new level. Expect more comedic spoofs, more shockingly easy, but intimidating recipes, more opinions on more topics, and more original music. There's nothing I love more than sharing my talents with the world, and celebrating those shared with me. In fact, I'll share you too. Post your own youtube video sending me a shout out. I'll download it from there and put a clip of you in my own video. I'd love to show you off if you're really digging what I do. And if you make youtube videos too, let me know. I have so many friends that I can't keep up. You really have to message them to me on youtube to let me know what you're doing so I can share it as well. There's no reason we can't promote each other.

For now, in case you missed either episode of this weeks show, Here they are. Please share with your friends if you find my opinions relevant. If my language is too offensive, then simply share my message with others in your own words.

And click here to watch Chaz On Gay Parenting

Lastly, I leave you all with a question, and I'd really like an answer. You can post in a comment below this blog link in my social networks, or directly under the blog. What topic would you like to hear my brutally honest opinions about next?