Thursday, January 5, 2012

I do not hate Ted Haggard

Those who follow me can imagine that this past week has been very stressful for me. I made the decision to share private details about my connection to Ted Haggard, and it stirred up quite a stink. I've continued to avoid the media, for now, as I don't see how it would benefit anybody for me to give a detailed interview before Ted is questioned by them first and has his opportunity to respond with the truth. He was my friend, and I loved him. I still care about Ted and his family, which is why this was so hard to do. I had to weigh the pros and cons, and I determined that my tens of thousands of gay friends and fans deserve the truth. I've been in touch with Ted via Facebook and we have literally written a novel between us, that details my concerns and his inability to comprehend them. While Ted and I do not see eye to eye on same sex marriage or what he perceives as "God's best plan" for me. I've tried very hard to stay his friend, hoping that his thinking would evolve and that I could eventually help him understand that separate is never equal. His statements are damaging, and create a second class citizenship within his church. He says he's evolving. I'm not willing to write him off just yet. There are a lot of good things about this man. He has helped impoverished and addicted people, and that's more than most do. He doesn't want to be put into anybody's box, and he doesn't describe himself as bisexual. That's his prerogative, but his same sex attraction continues, regardless of the words used to describe it. There is no shame in same sex attraction. The shame comes from denying it, allowing his wife to claim that he's been healed of it, and judging my same sex attraction as less than what God wants for us. He is willing to help Gary Busey marry his girlfriend, but he wouldn't consider officiating my civil union ceremony. If I'm not equal to him, in his own mind, then I cannot continue to support his efforts to "resurrect" himself. 

I am a bisexual Christian. I was born with same sex attraction, and it showed at a very early age. Ted and I share a childhood trauma. We were both victims of child molestation. While Ted apparently spent his life thinking his molester made him this way, I see it differently. The man who molested me when i was 12 years old, specifically picked me to molest because he knew I had a secret, and to keep my secret, I had to keep his. It's taken years of living an open life for me to understand this. I can forgive Ted for catching up at his own pace. It's a process. I didn't even realize I had been molested until I was 16. I spent 4 years of my life blaming myself for what an adult did to me. Ted says that he never claimed to be healed of anything other than his childhood trauma. I'd say that's a miraculous healing, considering the decades of damage molestation caused me. I spent much of my adult life thinking I was only worth what people would pay me for sex. The gifts the molester gave me to keep quiet, introduced me to prostitution, and it made sexual intimacy and love two separate things in my mind for so long, ruining my relationships before they started. 

Ted and Gayle's relationship is real. They do love each other and support each other. They've been together for 33 years, and have raised a beautiful family together. I'm not trying to wreck anybody's home. I don't think that's possible here. My blog was as much a confessional as an exposé. I did wrong. I am in a monogamous relationship, and for me to lust after Ted, and share in sex talk on the phone was a violation of my own principals. My spouse and I have been together almost 20 years, and he deserves better from me than that. 

I've been an equality activist and a citizen journalist since 2007.  I've been friends with Ted Haggard for almost 2 years. Let me be very clear about this, it wasn't until November, 2011 that Ted shared with me how my partnership would not be accepted in his church. That's the reason I'm doing this. As my friend, he cannot treat me, or anyone like me, less than equal. I have too much love for myself to allow that. As with all my reporting, if it's affecting me, it's probably affecting others, and should be shared. This doesn't mean that I want to read nasty, unfounded comments about Ted. Unlike the other two men who had sexual experiences with Ted, Mike Jones and Grant Haas, I have nothing to gain, financially or otherwise by telling my truth. I'm not writing a book, doing a one man show, accepting any pay off or going on TV to discuss this matter. I'm just getting it all off of my chest right here, and a clear conscience is all I want. 

As I stated in my previous blog, I anticipate backlash, from the gay and Christian communities. I can handle it. I have thick skin. What I won't tolerate are lying idiots like child sex offender Nelson Garcia talking smack about me online. Garcia was convicted in 2003 for attempting to lure a young boy, under age 16, into sex. This creep shouldn't be allowed on the Internet, much less the freedom to blog. He claimed to be my biggest fan until I discovered what a perv he was and told him to f--k off for good. Child molesters are not a part of the LGBT community, and we gays are as disgusted by them as anyone. I'm not going to increase his page views by providing a link to his lies. Instead, I'm sharing this link to his sex offender page with his photo and address. I've reported him to google for violating my photo copyright, and his blogging days are numbered. That's not a physical threat. I wouldn't touch him with a 12 foot pole. I'm just saying that I'll file a restraining order against him if I have to, but I'm not going to let this child molesting piece of crap keep lying about me. He's not a gay activist. He is a predator.

Click here to see his sex offender page