Thursday, September 23, 2010

I was a teenaged prostitute. Why should you give a damn?

There is no greater need for funding in the LGBT community than there is for our youth. All across America, LGBT youth are struggling to come to terms with the way society casts them out and rejects them. The rate of suicide among LGBT teens is double that of the rest of the population. I know this, because I was homeless, and in the street, at a very young age. Even as Wayne Besen, the founder of Truth Wins Out, a non profit gay activism charity, is publicly bashing me for my past, I am not ashamed. I went through hell, and quite frankly, it’s because of people like Besen, and organizations like TWO, which divert funding from those who need it the most, that I experienced a harder time than I should have. Until we gays get our act together, and focus on the weakest among us, we will never be strong, as a whole. While I realize that I am arming Besen, who is attacking me daily, on a Christian website, I feel I must share my story. My hope is that you will take a few moments to picture yourself in the shoes I once wore, as a gay teen, and take with you, an understanding of what it’s like to feel that nobody, anywhere, gives a damn.

To give you the full picture, I have to go back to when I was only 12 years old, living with my mom, in a government subsidized apartment complex in a town called Eminence, Kentucky. I was the eighth, of ten children my mother raised, with the help of social security and food stamps. When a neighbor boy introduced me to his Uncle, a known child molester, I became an innocent victim. The man, whose name was Harry Hardin, had targeted me, specifically because I was gay. I didn’t know I was gay, but apparently, most everyone who met me did. Sensing my insecurity and shame, Harry gained my trust by giving me gifts and taking me to theme parks. One night, during a sleepover at Harry’s house, I woke up to find him performing oral sex on me. It’s hard to describe the combination of feelings I had when this happened. There was guilt, for sure, combined with the excitement of sex, and the fear of the unknown. You see, I didn’t feel very loved, at the time. There was little attention paid to my needs by anyone, and so, I was willing to let Harry do what he wanted to me, because my young body, mind and soul needed nurturing, and I believed that this was the only way I was going to get any of that. A lot of people like to blame their child molester for making them gay. In my case, it was the opposite. My molester chose me because I was gay, and he took advantage of the silence that my shame afforded him, again and again. It took four years for me to understand that I had even been molested. By that time, I was sixteen, and on my own in Chicago, using my body to survive on the streets.

Initially, I was very na├»ve. I’ll never forget my first trick. I had been to the beach with a gay youth group that I had joined, when a friend asked me to walk to the store and get us some chips and soda. He handed me a couple of dollars and I walked a few blocks to Broadway and Belmont, in Boystown. As I walked along, I noticed a car, slowly following me, with an older man checking me out. He smiled. I smiled back. He asked if I wanted a ride, and I said sure. Getting into this mans car could have been the last thing I ever did, but he was kind of cute, and I didn’t value my life as much as I did getting laid. The man proceeded to drive around to the back of a hi rise building and park in a dark corner of the parking lot. He asked if he could go down on me, and I said, sure. He did his thing, and when it was done, he reached into his pocket and pulled out nine dollars.
“This is all I have.” he said. “I hope you don’t mind.”

I didn’t understand. This man seemed to feel obligated to give me something for my time, and who was I to refuse. I returned to the beach, a little while later with two bags of chips and a 6 pack of soda. I told my friend about it and he said to me.

“You stupid bitch! You could have got fifty bucks!”

And that’s when I realized that I would never have to go hungry again, as long as I had something that someone was willing to pay for. The next few tricks were hit and miss, with customers ripping me off, insulting me, and leading me to believe that I was only worth whatever they chose to pay me for my body. This was the height of the AIDS crisis, and some of my clients explained safer sex practices to me. Somehow, I made it through all this without contracting anything worse than crabs. I still consider that to be a miracle. I am now 42 years old and HIV negative.

At seventeen, I let the manager of a bar called Normandy suck me off in the basement dressing room of the bar. I begged him for a job, and he hired me as a stripper. I would get up on the bar, strip down to a thong, and then dodge ashtrays, cocktails and ceiling fans, as I worked my way from man to man, gyrating in their faces, for tips. Some of the older men were generous. Some of the younger men were mean. Eventually, I ended up working for tips only, as the manager was taking my $20 base pay and putting it up his own nose. I’d try to get my money’s worth in free drinks, when patrons weren’t buying them for me. It was easier to wake up with a hangover, than it was to wake up to the reality that I was a teenaged whore in a thong.

By the time I was 19, I had left Chicago for the warmer climate of Miami Beach. Life was much harder there, as I found myself competing with straight boys, hustling the streets for crack. I was lucky and smart enough not to get pulled into the drugs. The sporadic, hundred dollar tricks I turned on the corner of Collins and 21st street, were barely enough to feed me, and did not keep a roof over my head. I spent many nights sleeping near the boardwalk, trying not to get arrested. Desperate for security, I said yes to the first wealthy man who would have me. It didn’t last long, but I did get an apartment out of the deal. In order to pay the rent, after our first break up, I turned to the gay porn industry. My younger brother William, having ran away from home, after coming out to my mom, would stay with me, whenever he didn’t have his own boyfriends taking care of him. This only added to my desperation, and forced me to set a bad example for him that I continue to beat myself up for, long after his untimely and tragic death in 2000. Had I been able to set a better example for him, would his life had taken a different path? This is a question that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

For the record, I did work regular jobs, whenever my living situation lasted long enough to apply for a job and get hired. I was a dishwasher at a pancake house. A waiter at a steak house. I even worked for a market research company, calling people and performing consumer surveys. I wasn’t lazy. I was simply desperate. I didn’t graduate from high school until I was 21, but I did graduate. I never gave up on trying to educate myself, even when there were no available resources for me to do so.

Finally, at the age of 22, after a string of cheap porno video gigs, I met the man I live with today. He offered me security and love and more luxury that I had ever known. I haven’t left his side, since the day we met. On October 6th, it will be our 18th anniversary. I had always promised myself that, if I ever got a chance, I would pay it forward, and help prevent a child from going through the hell I experienced as a desperate child. When the opportunity to foster a baby boy presented itself to us, we accepted, and a couple of years later, we were blessed to be able to adopt him. Shortly after the adoption, his mother gave birth to his baby brother. Without questioning it, we took him in as well, and our family was complete. They are now 16 and 14 years old, healthy, happy and well cared for.

I tell you all this, not to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to encourage you to do your part. If you’ve read this far, and are moved, in some small way, by my life experience, my hope is that you will help a homeless youth today. I’m not asking for your money. I don’t run a charity. What I’m asking you to do is give a damn. In my own opinion, we can cram all the dollars into organizations like Truth Wins Out, and GLAAD, and HRC, but ultimately, until we fix the problems that our gay youth are facing, there will never really be equality. These groups may serve a purpose, but they will be serving a lot less of us, if we don’t prevent these young people from killing themselves, or putting their lives at risk, in the sex industry. And that’s why, without any official connection, or direct, personal benefit to myself, I whole heartedly encourage everyone I know to click on the following link, learn more about ways that you can help, and get involved. It only takes a minute to join Cindi Lauper, Lady Gaga, and other famous celebrities who have added their voices to this campaign to help homeless, LGBT youth. I can’t think of a more worthy, or affective way to ensure our equality than by taking care of those who will be actively fighting for it, in the future.

http://www.wegiveadamn.org/

47 comments:

  1. This right here is why YOU can help our youth!! I LOVE YOU! Angel

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  2. Thank you Angel. Love you too hon!

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  3. In spite of everything you went through, you not only made it but you were able to turn it around and become a role model. We were both oh so young back then,and after reading this all i can say is that I'm so happy we both made it! theres a comfort in knowing that at least your two boys will never know the horrors you lived through...baby your blessings are on the way.

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  4. Becca Miller, KentuckySeptember 23, 2010 at 7:43 AM

    "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." You have proved it! I am so sorry that you had to experience and live the life you once did. I feel sorry for all 10 of you and your siblings. I know that your story will touch and reach so many people. So glad you survived and are here to share your story. Love you! Becca Miller

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  5. Thank you Ronnie! The amazing thing is that you were right there with me, in that youth group, and you've survived so much yourself. Your friendship is a testament to the strength we gave each other, when things were at their most difficult. I love you Ronnie, and always will!

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  6. Thank you Becca. You're one of my first nieces to be born into the family, and in part, you inspired my desire to become a parent. The fact that your dad adopted you, showed me that love doesn't come in mutual DNA, but rather from a sincere desire to be loved unconditionally, and to share it with a child in need. I've never really opened up to you about all this. I guess you will always be that sweet little girl that I would babysit and beat the crap out of anyone who messed with. I love you hon.

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  7. Very moving.... I am proud of you making it through such horrendous life and coming out this side to contribute positively to the lives of so many. While i personally have not had such experiences, i might think that i was on the border of that path. Wish i was in a better position to contribute to an individuals life, but i will make a donation to the org listed. Sincere gratitude for your opening up here in this forum.

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  8. David Nahmod is a stalker and an anti-Muslim bigot who called for the genocide of all Muslim people.

    And this is who the Chazturbator supports and defends.

    Folks, know the facts about Nahmod and Shepard before buying their lies.

    These are not honest people with integrity.

    Please do a search on David Nahmod and Grayson Hall, the actress he stalked and made heavy breathing crank calls to, even as she had cancer. To know who these people are. Don't take anything they say at face value.

    Nahmod said he only stalked her because he was bipolar. But in a recent blog post he claims that he was misdiagnosed and was not manic depressive.

    So, what then explains the stalking?

    Nahmod was also caught Muslim bashing and calling on people to wipe out Muslims.

    Again, folks, research these people. Know the facts. Find out the truth about the REAL David Nahmod.

    Oh, by the way, he also has a gag order because he was stalking his ex-Beecher.

    He just hates Truth Wins Out because we investigated his claims and found they had no merit.

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  9. Nahmod is a sick man and a menace to society.

    David's gag order
    http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2008/09/despite_a_gag_order_sf_blogger.php#comments

    http://www.sfweekly.com/2008-08-20/news/conservative-arizona-couple-gets-judge-to-gag-gay-sf-blogger/

    On Grayson Hall:

    Here's what mental illness looks like: around 1975~~yes, 1975~~this didn't happen last week~~ I got the home phone number to the late actress Grayson Hall. Hall was a major player on Dark Shadows, then, as now, my favorite TV show. I called Hall repeatedly, sometimes breathing, sometimes just hanging up. I did this because I'm a manic depressive, and that was my first serious episode. I was around 19 when this began, though I'd had minor episodes before this. I did this on and off for years, both to Hall and to 1970s porn queen Georgina Spelvin. I also did this one day~~and only one day~~to Beecher's cousin Velma. The same Velma who now posts here and at my blog. When I went into manic mode, I had no idea what I was doing, though I remembered my actions after the fact. I'm now on meds and no longer having such episodes.

    what I did to Grayson Hall was horrible. I stated so on my blog. That post: "On Fessing Up, Recalling My First Manic Episode", ends with the words: "Regret is a real bitch." There, as here, I explained that my then untreated manic depression, AKA bi-polar disorder, caused that. I share my story so that others will understand what this disease can do, so that others who need treatment might get help. Nothing funny about what I did to Grayson Hall.

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  10. Besen, I'll leave this comment, temporarily, and screen grab it, along with all the other hate language you've exhausted on this one gay man. Are you Grayson Hall? Is this the 70's? WTF does that matter to you? As I've said to you repeatedly, this is not about David, this is about YOU, a man who claims to be a gay activist, bashing a gay man, in public, on a site run with gay donations, and a Christian blog, that has now been nearly entirely deleted. The fact that you've repeatedly made fun of his mental status, past or present, is clearly indicative of your own need to seek out help. This is not how a man of your stature should be acting in public.

    If you must dig up people's past and hold it agains them, then why not start with Lisa Darden, who worked for the psychiatrist who got Harvey Milk's killer off on the "twinkie defense"? If your only defense against the harassment you perceive from David is to publicly repeat your version of his past, and that ofanyone who questions your motives, then maybe you should take a look at your own past. I've got a feeling that a bitchy queen like you has a whole lotta skeletons in your closet, but I don't have to go there to prove the fact that you've made a complete ass of yourself. I have all the evidence I need, and I've presented just that. I demand a public apology to me, on the TWO website, from both you and Lisa Darden or every single item I've posted on you stays in your google results for life. Think I'm kidding? Try me!

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  11. And to my readers who are viewing these comments, FYI, Wayne Besen, the man posting lies, old news and just plain BS above, is the founder of Truth Wins Out, an organization that claims to monitor hate language against gays. There is absolutely no evidence that David Nahmod, the man he mentions, is anti Muslim, so I have to take David at his word, and suggest the same to you, that this is just another failed attempt by Waybe Besen to bash David, a fellow gay man, in public. Anyone who can't see this, doesn't want to.

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  12. There is ample evidence that Naymod is anti-Muslim. He was exposed for calling for the genocide of Muslims.

    David wants us all to believe that his stalking days are over. They are not. He is now stalking Beecher and Truth Wins Out. I get letters from others he has stalked. I have a file of them. They do not want to be identified because they are scared to death of this sick man. But, they are on file in case I ever decide to take Nahmod to court for his lies and deceit. They will testify under oath. Nahmod has a long history of stalking and terrorizing people.

    And the Chazturbator is his enabler. He ought to be ashamed of himself for defending this creep.

    Unfortunately, for them, I intend to fight back. I'm not Grayson Hall. I refuse to be harassed by discredited, unhinged bullies.

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  13. This will be my final public response to Wayne Besen:
    Wayne, if you want this to end, why don't you stop provoking it?

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  14. Wayne, if someone is stalking you, get a restraining order. Don't come to my blog and post stupid shit you can't prove. That makes you look like you're stalking me. I'm enabling the truth, which is that you TWO is a scam. You don't get paid to bash gays bitch, even if I'm the only one stNding up for this principal.

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  15. YellowstoneMikee, Thank you for your comment and donating to Give A Damn. Sorry this is late in coming, I've had an asshole named Wayne Besen stalking my page, posting lies, and avoiding the question I've been asking him for over a week. I appreciate you and I'm so jealous that you're in Yellowstone and I'm not. It's my fave place in the world.

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  16. I prefer Jellystone. Yogi and Boo Boo are such party animals!

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  17. I am Beecher Goodwin. Nobody has bothered to contact me to get my story of David Nahmod, except for Niki here in Phx. Does anyone wonder how I feel or what I think? David has been stalking and hating for 6 years now, this has gone on for way too long. David and I lived together as roommates, we had not had sex for over 4 years, I kept trying to get him to go to counseling with me to work on our relationship and he could not be bothered, with all the broken promises, lies his hating, him using me for my ssi money,he was physically abusive in his rages, which he will deny and says he does not recall. I couldn't take it anymore. I did love him at one time, but my heart ran dry. He was emotionally abusive and treated me like a retard. I have my own laptop, i have a yahoo acct i have a facebook acct and i read everything that David has written. It just is not true, he is lying and does not know the truth because of his illness. I left him and he could not believe it, he was dumped. Infact he just got my cell phone number again, and again I had to change it. why does everyone listen to David without even knowing his background for harassing and stalking. Do you know he was locked up in bellveue in NY. His parents locked him, it is only sad he got out and could not get the help he needed and still needs. I feel bad for David, he is sick and needs help, he cannot be taken seriously. Wayne Besen I will be contacting you, so you know this is me and not someone else. I spoke to Niki and now I will speak to you. Somebody needs to stop him before he hurts himself and others any further.

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  18. Beecher, or whoever is impersonating him, fuck the hell right off and take your bullshit to someone else' blog. The same goes for Wayne Besen, who is no gay activist, but is taking gay dollars that could be helping educate young people who are killing themselves because they don't fucking want to turn into YOU!!! My point in all of this is that gay on gay hate, such as Wayne Besen of TWO is demonstrating in his comments here, must stop. I couldn't give two shits if Beecher is stalked or if Wayne is stalked, who anyone else. My point has been made and it's been magnified and clarified by Wayne Besen, who is making fun of a gay man with mental health issues, in a public forum. It's no wonder so many gay teens kill themselves. Look at the fucktards who are stealing the limelight of leadership in this, so called, equality movement. Wayne Besen couldn't control a bowel movement, much less one for equality!

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  19. My name is Joe. I live in Los Angeles. I know David and Beecher personally and I consider both of them to be friends. When Beecher's mother passed away in 2005, I tried to reach him to express my condolences. I could not get through, though I did get an abusive letter that was written by his housemates. I have not been able to reach Beecher in years because of what his housemates are doing. I think the housemates in Arizona did this because David and Beecher are gay. Truth Wins Out interviewed me over the phone about this. Wayne Besen knows that Beecher is being lied to and that none of Beecher's friends can reach him anymore. Why is Wayne Besen doing this. Beecher, stop listening to these liars. Call me. We will always be friends, no matter what. I will verify my identity to anyone who wants to talk to me. Beecher knows how to reach me.

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  20. About a year after his Mother died, Beecher called me. We spoke on the phone. I couldn't believe how confused he was and how much he had been lied too. He didn't know I had tried to express my condolences to him. After that phone call, Beecher sent me a note, written by hand, telling me we were still friends. Whoever claims to be Beecher in this blog is not the same person who sent me that note. Beccher can't write well enough to post here on his own. Beecher says and does whatever his housemates tell him too.

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  21. Joe, I am pretty much convinced, especially after your post, that Beecher has basically been kidnapped by right wing nuts, who are supported by Wayne Besen, who is faker than fake. I feel sorry for the real Beecher. God bless him and may he come to terms with the life he's leading now. These sick and twisted people are clearly using him for his disability check, and Wayne Besen condones all this out of sheer hatred inside his own heart. It disgusts me to know that Besen is jumping on the (Put my desperate ass on TV) bandwagon by acting like he gives a crap about homeless LGBT youth. He needs to walk a mile in my shoes before he opens his flytrap in public again, under any alias!

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  22. I think that just by telling the truth, and not backing down, we are doing the LGBT community a service. Most gays don't realize all the back biting bitches that are out there making us look bad, while making a living on our gay dollars. I might not have the biggest audience, but the ones I have do listen to me, and share. Besen isn't even a Z list celeb, just an opportunist. He's not important enough for the mainstream media to care about, and he's too important for the LGBT media not to kiss his ass. One thing is for sure, neither you, nor I are ass kissers, so this bitch has met his match with us! The truth will win out, even if we have to share with one person at a time.

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  23. This is Beecher, again. Yes I admit I am not a good speller, that is no lie. Infact on my FB page I have all kinds of mispellings. However, when it is something important I us the dictionary on my computer or spell-check, and they call me the stupid one. Ever heard of it, "spell check?" Oh wait, according to David I am too stupid to know about those things. Wait can or can I not read, which is again David? I forget, remember I have to be told everything because I am mindless and being held against my will. Thanks for the updates, NOT!!!I've moved on Joan Crawford, why don't u!!!!

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  25. Crazy! Didn't I tell your ass to stop trolling my blog bitch? Get off my page and crawl outta my ass! Stalker! While I'm sure that Besen may appreciate you advocating on his behalf, I do not. Besen is a public person, who represents an LGBT rights organization. As a public figure myself, I can tell you that we don't fucking get our "OWN" time. What you see is what you get, and what I see is a bitchy, self centered asshole violating the very fucking standards he set for TWO, on my blog, his blog and yours! His lawyers can suck on that truth all the way to the bank! I am what you see, foul mouth, former prostitute and more. I'm not pretending to be anything else. Besen is clearly not the person defined by his own mission statement for TWO, and that couldn't have been made more clear by his postings. Get yourself a life, and get the hell outta mine! I need you and Wayne besen like a leper needs a 3 way mirror!

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  30. Re David Nahmod and "I'm not crazy" (a k a Kathy Rock)
    What she's practicing here is a classic example of projection...she accuses Nahmod of stalking, but SHE is the one who can't let go.
    And to think, all this started because she wouldn't let Beecher have his mail...
    As for .Besen, there is no excuse for Besen....that he would use his position to launch an attach against David Nahmod is not only unconscionable, it's just WEIRD.....

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  33. First off, "I'm Not Crazy", clearly IS.
    David is right, this has been Off-Topic....except that K. Rock's (Krock's) posts are symptomatic of a deeply disturbed person and you don't have to clinician to see that....the type of person who has no qualms about inflicting emotional damage on others, even to the point of suicide.
    Imagine a young (mentally or physically) person having to deal with this...and if this sort of harassment can come from an adult, a MOTHER no less, than you can imagine the sort of viciousness teens with the same mentality are capable of.

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  35. I wish you would think about getting help. You are very sick.

    What have you done to help gay bully victims?
    I know someone like Wayne has probably spent hundreds or thousands of hours of his time helping. What about you? Is typing ridiculous allegations against Truth Wins Out really the best way to help suicidal gay teens? I am sure that is what Carl Shephard had in mind

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  36. Anonymous, when you grow the balls to post your own name here, you might have some credibility. Until then, you're just a hit and run spam whore! I've been blogging for years, on myspace. Go read those blogs before you accuse me of not doing anything to prevent teen suicide. Watch my online video series, in which I addressed the issue long before opportunists like Besen jumped on the bandwagon for donations, that enable him to bully gays and mentally ill people on the official Truth Wins Out website. Then get back to me. Pointing out the hypocrits in our movement is beneficial, if it helps others to understand that they need to be replaced by leaders who really care instead of fame whores with anonymous idiots backing them up online.

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  40. Dear David,
    you have already contacted my son Scott, and we had a good laugh. Now you are going to have other people contact them as well? I have asked you to stop contacting all family members and friends and yet you still are and yet you state you don't. well I know you still do and will continue, because they contact me everytime you or your friend contact them. No matterr what I say or have asked of you in the past, in courtesy of me you still do it. I have read your blogs as well as newsletters and other peoples blog that you have written on. I know what you say and what you are doing. My family and friends have no reason to apologize, you need to apologize. Kathryn is not I"m Not Crazy, I have spoke to this person in the past and I know who it is. You have stated to me in the past , doing blogs like this are wrong, but yet you are doing them for the past 6 years. All it has done is hurt me. Anything you are on will take away from the cause. You should just stop. Sorry Chaz,to take away fron young gay prostitutes but David is sick and you chaz are helping him in this endevor which should have stopped years ago.

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  41. Anonymous, you need to stop impersonating people while stalking and trolling my blogs. The truth has already won out, and it makes Besen and that Crazy bitch look like the haters they are. You're the one who is persisting, and the only endeavor I have taken on is exposing the hypocrisy of Waybe Besen who is NO gay activist, but rather a bullying fake! So please, grow the balls to show your anonymous face on your videos, rather than pretending to be a bisexual, black, female, Muslim. All of you fucktards are hiding behind lies and anonymity. I have no need to do that because I tell the Naked Truth, and you run from it! Period!

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  42. This is very disturbing.
    The obsession Ms Rock and Besen display here is truly sick...I agree with Chaz, Mr besen is no activist....if he is, so is J Edgar Hoover.
    As a citizen, I feel it is appropriate for me to file a complaint with the IRS...Besen's use of his non-profit to persecute gay people is highly unethical and should not be supporterd by our taxes.
    Adult protective Services in Arizona should be informed...to make sure Beecher truly knows what is going on and who is impersonating him online.
    Chaz, you are to be commended not only for your informative and interesting site, but for taking a stand re this issue...we need more like you.

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  45. Just so you know David, I've not deleted anything posted by crazyhole! I've simply stored it as spam. If this stupid bitch thihks she can keep posting her shit here and I'm not going to compile all the evidence, she's even more ridiculous that I think. Besen isn't saying anything else because he must finally understand just how big of a hypocrite he's made himself appear to be. They've been ruining themselves with ever word they post. I'm not blocking anyone. They can keep on providing evidence that can and may be used against them here.

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  46. Mr. Johnson, or Mr. Mahmod, or Mr. Nahmod, or whatever else you may go by, could you please tell us about your dealings with a certain Mr. Bob White? It would seem you have a lot to explain.

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  47. How do we make an appointment for you to watch our cat?

    Oh, before we get to business, will you report us to the IRS if we don't report your wages to the government?

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